February 15, 2009

Bone Dry

For reasons I do not really understand, it has been a tough term at seminary. I came through my first term OK, but it has been uphill since, and I am not sure why.

It started with the best of intentions, but quickly bogged down. I realized I needed to shed some of the load; I was not learning, I was managing towards a degree. I refuse to let this experience be about anything but an education, although I have to constantly remind myself of that. I needed balance with some mother things I felt called to work on, things I was finding as exciting as I thought seminary was going to be. As exciting as the learning should be. Ministry and education are a powerful team.

Even with that, it has been a struggle. Like quicksand at times. Or getting hit over the head with a hammer on a regular basis. The class load is light by seminary standards, yet still I struggle.

I have a few large projects I need to get started on, but the tank is empty, bone dry. No ideas, no thoughts about ideas. No ideas about thoughts. The mind is a blank.

It is frustrating because I felt called to come here, still do. But it is a desert of the mind I wander through right now. Hope I do not have to spend 40 years here.

I will pray and know the Lord can get me through anything He got me into. And when I nake it through this term, I will know it is all Him, not me. Not by a long shot.

He is sovereign, in His universe and my little world.

The prayer continues. Today is Your day, but so is every other day. Today is for spending some time in corporate praise and worship, private praise and worship, meditation, prayer and reflection.

Lord, I await your timing.

6 comments:

David Porter said...

I'm praying for you Andy!

Andy C said...

Thanks brother! Something will pop into the old noggin eventually. nature abhors a vacuum.

Laurie M. said...

Andy,
I can relate. I'm going through something that sounds similar (though I may be way out in left field for all I know). I don't have any real advice, but what came to mind when I was reading your thought was something my 20 year old daughter (a linguistics major) said the other day, it was something like this: "Nothing ruins a good book as much as having to read it for a class." Well,what a profound statement about...EVERYTHING! I find that to be so true of my walk with the Lord, and one of the key difficulties I've been having lately. I forget grace, and find myself living my life from a place of duty & guilt - trying to curry God's favor - rather than out of heartfelt love and adoration. Well, I can go for a while like that, but eventually it just dries up. As you go into ministry and find yourself being put under pressure this will likely become an ongoing battle for you as well.

Remembering the ongoing gift of God's free grace and His love for us is our only hope. I'm struggling to stop struggling and rest in His loving arms. May you find your rest there.

Andy C said...

Laurie:

How true! Knowing I have to read something makes my pride flare up!

My big issue though is I just cannot seem to get going on a topic for my papers. I am in the desert on this.

I am awaiting His grace and His timing on telling me how to approach the term.

I know I can handle pressure, I have a 30 year business career that convinced me of that, but it makes me a little crazy to think I am letting Him down by not doing better here at seminary.

Laurie M. said...

Andy,

He knows you and the plans He has for you. You are not letting Him down. Just sink into His arms and let Him love you.

Andy C said...

Laurie:

Thanks for the wisdom and the encouragement. Peace to you, sister!